My thoughts

I find that talking really helps me in difficult times. This is my blog and I try to make it as truthful as I can. Although I'm not ready to talk about everything, I'm ready to start. My father took his own life, that is how he died. I can't even express the amount of anger and hurt I am feeling right now. I go from one extreme to the other from one minute to the next. Some moments I hate him so much that I don't want to even think about him. The next minute I'm crying thinking about how I will never ever receive another phone call from him or see him and hug him. Then I go back to hating him because HE did this to me. He didn't suddenly die of a heart attack. He didn't have a long battle with cancer. HE killed himself.

Over 4 years ago, shortly after John and I got married, we lost John's mother to cancer. She battled for years and years before it finally took her life. Seeing her die and the long road leading up to it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Seeing my new husband lose his mother was one of the hartest things I have ever seen. She wanted to live. She wanted to meet her future grandchildren and live a long and prosperous life. She would have given anything to live. She told me once how when John was in high school she just wanted to see him graduate. Then when she made it to his graduation, she just wanted to make it to his wedding. Then when she made it to his wedding years after his graduation, she just wanted to meet her grandchildren. Two months after we got married, she passed away. She was 52.

I think about my mother in law and how badly she wanted to meet her grandchildren. WHY DIDN'T MY DAD CARE ENOUGH TO GET TO KNOW HIS GRANDCHILDREN? He has three young kids, two adult kids, and two beautiful grandboys. Couldn't we have kept him alive? We all loved him so much.

I know people keep telling me that he was in a bad place and he loved all of us and he is in peace now. I guess that brings me to my other thoughts that haunts me--what his final moments were probably like and what he probably looks like now. I know, I know, I can't think about this--but I really can't help it. I need to think about it. I need to disect his brain and his thoughts so I can try to understand what the heck was going on in that busy brain of his.

He was a very brilliant man. He was starting to go back to school for his doctorate. He knew more about things then anyone else I have ever met. And now, that brilliant brain is just wasted.

I am having a really hard time celebrating this time of year. We decorated today and I forced myself to decorate. What is keeping me going is AJ. I need to keep things as normal as possible for him right now. And, I need to celebrate Christmas for HIM. He is everything to me and I must make this right for him.

As you can probably tell, I'm in one of my anger moods. Hopefully I can type some thoughts out in my less angry moods later.

Thank you again for your support. I am surrounded by so many people that love me and my family and I would be nothing without each and every one of you.